Why People Should Never Write Opinion Columns  – Satirical Commentary from a Columnist

An opinion column by Rachel Armstrong

Here are five reasons why you should never write an opinion column.

  1. It’s a waste of your time

On average, humans don’t live very long.There are 1,440 minutes in a day, 525, 600 minutes in a year. If the average human lifespan is 79 years, that means we only have 37,843,200 minutes total (for all you old timers that number is probably much smaller by now). That is not nearly enough time, especially to waste on something as stupid as an opinion column.

  1. No seriously, it’s really a waste of your time, you’re going to die soon

37,843,200 minutes. Enough said.

  1. Nobody gives a ****

How many times have you looked at the news and only glanced at the headlines? Probably every single time, if you’re like most people. So that opinion column series you’ve been researching for four months? Yeah, nobody really cares.

  1. Your opinion is wrong anyway

Everybody has different opinions about everything these days (especially when it comes to politics). You can write the best, most well-researched article ever written and some people still won’t see common sense.

  1. You have no idea what you’re talking about

It is amazing to see how many people cite articles without ever actually reading them, and sometimes they won’t even have anything to do with the article. Here at The Charter, we try our best to never do that. Ever.

  1. We’re all just stupid and dead inside

I don’t really need to justify this one…it’s just obvious.

I now realize that was six reasons, I apologize for trying to convince you even more.



Business Insider, This is the real reason why American politics is so polarized, according to an expert


The Almighty Google – search “average human lifespan


The Washington Post, Americans Read Headlines. And Not Much Else.


TIME Magazine, Spicey is Back: Melissa McCarthy Makes Much Anticipated Return to SNL as Sean Spicer


RENT – Seasons of Love, Music Video, Youtube